Do you ever felt like you don’t want to wake up from your sleep? like you wan’t to end your suffering, and end everything.
Sometimes all I wan’t is to just close my eyes, sleep and never wake up but nothing happened, I still woke up feeling tired and heavy as if all the weight of the universe is on me. every morning while I was lying in bed, I will look up in the ceiling for a minute or two torn between the idea of living and dying. getting up do my daily routine but before I leave the house I will stand in front of the mirror smiling, it is like I am putting my mask of happiness before I leave the house so that no one will see what is happening inside me. outside I am smiling, laughing with my friends, yes I feel happy but still there’s this part of me that feels empty, broken, like I am socializing because I just need to, I’m oblige to do it and it makes no sense.
Everyday I am doing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts over and over again and I’m getting tired of it, I’m so tired of it. so tired that it comes to the point that I want to end the suffering but then i’m still holding on to the tinge of hope that is in me. that everything will be better, everything will be alright and that someone will understand the way I feel inside. someone who will see the real me not the facade that I created just to let everyone know that i’m okay even though it its not. I’m still hoping, believing even though I know that it is impossible. I’m still holding on.