While I’m on the train earlier going home from school a thought suddenly pop up from my mind:
1. I don’t think I’m depressed. No I’m not.
I am not the kind of teenager who thinks she’s fucking depressed just because she thinks its cool.
No, I’m not that kind of girl.
2. Maybe I am just sad.
I am just pitying myself.
I hate myself.
Yes I do. So fucking much.
I think nobody or no one can lift me up.
Even I can’t lift me up.
I don’t know where this is going. I am just writing what’s on my mind now.
I’m Sorry. I just wan’t to let it all out.
Those killing myself, killing me, suicide plan on my notebook.
The pills, ropes, blades, drowning.
The sad poem and letters. drawings and sketches.
The sleepless nights.
The thoughts of being not good enough.
Being the major disappointment in the family.
For being the unwanted one.
I’m this useless daughter that no one wants to have.
The kind of person/girl that you can easily forget, can easily replace.
Crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
For being tired. Physically and Emotionally.
I’m sorry for being existed in this fucking world full of chaos and toxicness.
I’m afraid to sleep again.
To close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
Afraid that the bad dreams will come back.
To hunt me.
To hurt me.
To torture me.
I’m screaming in my dream.
I’m running towards nowhere.
Running from someone.
Running from death.
Panting, hiding, exhausted.
To the woman figure with no face.
She’s wearing a clothes, Victorian era used to wear.
A knife in hand.
She’s running after me.
I was crying.
Hiding trough closed door.
. . . . .
Then I woke up
to the sun shining brightly outside.
I know it by then,
Not a good day to start.
*23rd of May 2017, 7:09 a.m*
Eyes hurting. Crying.
Unable to keep up.
Down. Down. Down.
Curling up in bed. Balled fist.
Anxiety attack. Depression.
Not a good combination.
Help. I need help.
I'm Drowning. Suffocating.
Hiding under the sheets.
I don't want to go out.
I can't go to school.
They'll hate me. They will judge me.
I can't control it.
A never-ending question. A question that we often ask to ourselves. A question that is hard to answer or maybe don’t have an answer at all. Do you have one? if yes, what is it? what are you thinking right now? what are your feelings?
Being awake at this hour it will give you time to reflect and think about almost everything. Thinking about the what if’s, all the possibilities, all the wasted opportunities, happy and sad memories, e-ve-ry-thing. At this hour you will think about all the problems and what will the future brings you when you don’t know what to do with your life anymore. or at least for me. I am thinking what will happen tomorrow? or the next day? the other day, next month or maybe next year? will I be still alive when that time comes? what if I’m not? will they grieve? will my so-called-friends will go to my wake or will they just think that I am just a waste of their time?. So many questions yet no answers.
I remember when I was a kid I used to say to my friends that when I die I will put a wi-fi on my tomb so that many people will visit me. I think that’s funny not until now that I finally realize that I really don’t have a true friend. maybe you will think right now that I am not normal but yeah, it’s true. that I don’t have a true friend. Maybe I don’t deserve one or maybe they just don’t like me. I will just settle for the first one because I know it’s true. I am a huge package to carry thru out the day, what more everyday? that’s why I think I don’t have one. They just don’t know me, they don’t try to know me, they don’t want to. I know it because I myself don’t know myself too. I am a kind of person that will tell you that I’m great but I feel the opposite, I will smile but it was forced. I’m tired of doing that things but I need to continue with my life. I remember one of our professor told us “The world will not stop for you.” it is already intact in my mind and I will never ever forget that. the world will not pity you, it will not stop for you just because you did something wrong or just because you disappoint someone or failed on one of your exam. just go on and continue with your life. live life to the fullest as they say because you never know before it’s too late.
Maybe I’m saying this more to myself than more to you, because I want to live. I want to enjoy life, to make friends and to have a best friend where you can talk to every time something good or bad happens to you. I want to be free like a bird that had been caged for months. I want to spread my wings and explore, to feel, to be brave enough to fly with the eagles and albatross and other big birds. like a bird, I want to be free from my unnerving, negative and depressing thoughts. I want to be brave to go outside and meet and talk to new people without being anxious and terrified that they might hate me. I want to prove to myself and to other people that I am worthy enough that I am not just the other girl who want’s the attention of other people. I am just being me. this sad girl who wants to change.
Eyes wide open.
Mind is somewhere else.
Thinking randomly in a mid-summer night.
Feeli’n tired and heavy.
Head is aching. Throbbing.
Wanted to shout but can’t do it.
Eyes are damped. Crying. Sobbing.
Can’t think straight.
Voices in my head.
Lying in bed.
You are not worth it.
You are not enough.
Eyes are heavy.
Do you ever felt like you don’t want to wake up from your sleep? like you wan’t to end your suffering, and end everything.
Sometimes all I wan’t is to just close my eyes, sleep and never wake up but nothing happened, I still woke up feeling tired and heavy as if all the weight of the universe is on me. every morning while I was lying in bed, I will look up in the ceiling for a minute or two torn between the idea of living and dying. getting up do my daily routine but before I leave the house I will stand in front of the mirror smiling, it is like I am putting my mask of happiness before I leave the house so that no one will see what is happening inside me. outside I am smiling, laughing with my friends, yes I feel happy but still there’s this part of me that feels empty, broken, like I am socializing because I just need to, I’m oblige to do it and it makes no sense.
Everyday I am doing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts over and over again and I’m getting tired of it, I’m so tired of it. so tired that it comes to the point that I want to end the suffering but then i’m still holding on to the tinge of hope that is in me. that everything will be better, everything will be alright and that someone will understand the way I feel inside. someone who will see the real me not the facade that I created just to let everyone know that i’m okay even though it its not. I’m still hoping, believing even though I know that it is impossible. I’m still holding on.