While I’m on the train earlier going home from school a thought suddenly pop up from my mind:
1. I don’t think I’m depressed. No I’m not.
I am not the kind of teenager who thinks she’s fucking depressed just because she thinks its cool.
No, I’m not that kind of girl.
2. Maybe I am just sad.
I am just pitying myself.
I hate myself.
Yes I do. So fucking much.
I think nobody or no one can lift me up.
Even I can’t lift me up.
I don’t know where this is going. I am just writing what’s on my mind now.
I’m Sorry. I just wan’t to let it all out.
Those killing myself, killing me, suicide plan on my notebook.
The pills, ropes, blades, drowning.
The sad poem and letters. drawings and sketches.
The sleepless nights.
The thoughts of being not good enough.
Being the major disappointment in the family.
For being the unwanted one.
I’m this useless daughter that no one wants to have.
The kind of person/girl that you can easily forget, can easily replace.
Crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.
For being tired. Physically and Emotionally.
I’m sorry for being existed in this fucking world full of chaos and toxicness.
I’m afraid to sleep again.
To close my eyes and drift off to sleep.
Afraid that the bad dreams will come back.
To hunt me.
To hurt me.
To torture me.
I’m screaming in my dream.
I’m running towards nowhere.
Running from someone.
Running from death.
Panting, hiding, exhausted.
To the woman figure with no face.
She’s wearing a clothes, Victorian era used to wear.
A knife in hand.
She’s running after me.
I was crying.
Hiding trough closed door.
. . . . .
Then I woke up
to the sun shining brightly outside.
I know it by then,
Not a good day to start.
*23rd of May 2017, 7:09 a.m*
Eyes hurting. Crying.
Unable to keep up.
Down. Down. Down.
Curling up in bed. Balled fist.
Anxiety attack. Depression.
Not a good combination.
Help. I need help.
I'm Drowning. Suffocating.
Hiding under the sheets.
I don't want to go out.
I can't go to school.
They'll hate me. They will judge me.
I can't control it.
I know that you’ve been my friend, my buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my everything but to you I want to be that someone.
Someone who make you feel love.
Someone who make you laugh.
Someone who is always by your side.
To be that someone who can make you feel special.
but that someone can’t be me. that someone is the role that I can’t claim.
to be that someone is just a dream. it can’t be me and it hurts.
It hurt’s so much knowing that you love someone and that someone is not me.
but I know that she can do all the things that I want to do to you, all the feelings that I wanted you to feel, I know that she can make you feel love, she can make you smile and most of all I know that she love you the way I love you and I’m thankful for that.
I’m happy for you, truly happy for you that you finally found that someone who you’ve been waiting all you life, that someone whom you keep on telling me that when you finally meet her, when she finally came into your life you will love her with all your heart and spoiled her with your love.
now that your finally with her, I just wanted you to know that I will always be here for you. as a friend. waiting. watching you from afar. contented. even though it will ripped and break my heart to see you with her. I’m happy for you ‘coz you finally found your true happiness.
I love you. Always.
Nagkakilala sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon
nagkakilala sa maling oras at panahon
Nagkausap, nagkapalagayan ng loob
Nagkausap, unti-unting nahulog.
Sa mga matatamis mong salita
mga mata mong nagniningning sa tuwing tayo’y nag uusap
mga ngiti mong nakakahumaling
sa tuwing ika’y bumabaling saakin.
Puso ko’y unti-unting nahuhulog
nahuhulog, nahuhulog, nahuhulog ang puso ko.
hindi ko na kayang pigilan, wala nang atrasan
Gusto na ata kita.
Lumipas ang araw, ang buwan
tayo pa din ang magkasama
sa bakanteng oras, bakanteng araw
hindi mapag layo, hindi mapag hiwalay.
Nararamdaman mo ba ang nararamdaman ko?
inamin sa sarili, ang matagal nang itinatanggi.
MAHAL NA ATA KITA.
MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA.